Okay I figured I'd update this since it's been about month.
Everything went fine with my dad's memorial service at the community center and the scattering of his ashes. I read a poem I wrote for him a year ago at his service. It was really tough but there were so many people that showed up. Had to be like 100 ppl there. It was really touching and I know that we did everything the best we could to what Dad would of wanted. We had it at the center cause my dad was one of the people who started it up and played a big part in renovating it. It meant a lot to him and my dad didn't go to church and wasn't really a religious person so we didn't feel right having it in a church. We scattered his ashes up in the mountains in Fannin County at Long Creek Falls cause that's where my sister's and my two aunt's ashes were scattered. It was really emotional. We all sang the song Amazing Grace after we had poured his ashes cause my dad has sung that song soooo many times and he would of wanted it sung for him. My sister has pictures but I don't have them. I'll get them from her eventually.
For those that want to know what did happen to my dad. I'll tell you now. My dad has been a diabetic since he was in his 20's. Over the past 4 years, due to some occurences, his body has been shutting down on him. He had gone blind, had kidney failure and was on dialysis, and was practically crippled since he could only walk about 10 steps before he'd have to sit down or he'd fall over. We all knew he would die early. And this may sound stupid but I use to pray to God for him to just let Dad stay with me in body until I graduated from high school. That's one thing my Dad had always wanted was to see all his children to graduate and I wanted him to have that. I felt like me and God had a deal. So I had never been worried about him dieing before that. It was a shock to me that he died now. I'm only 15. Your dad isn't suppose to die when you're 15. I'm not angry at God because my dad died before I graduated. I'm sad, yes but not angry. I just wish my dad coulda had that and seen me graduate. It'll hurt now when I do to know he's not there with me to witness it. But anyways, from what I've heard, in the few days before he died he was extremely ill. He was throwing up constantly and had had a stroke and his whole left side of his body had kinda shut down so that part of his face and arm and everything he couldn't move. On the day he died, the police stopped by in the morning to check up on him and see if he was okay and they said he seemed deathly ill and they tried to make him go to the hospital but he wouldn't go. Later on, his friend Lydia came over and she gave him his pills and he went to the bathroom then came back and got in bed. She went into the kitchen to make something to eat and then she heard a loud thud so she ran to his bedroom and found him on the floor dead. Me and my siblings agree that we think he knew he was going to die. He made a last-minute will so he knew it was coming. That's why he wouldn't go the hospital. We say that my dad was himself through and through till the last minute of his life, being stubborn and doing things his way. He has always said he would not die in a hospital bed. He would die in his own bed in his own home. And that is exactly what he did. I'm glad for that. I'm glad he wasn't home alone either. I'm sorry that Lydia had to witness that but I'm glad that she was there. I think my dad had the best death for him that he could of had with his sickness. I don't know what I'll do without him. But I'm glad his suffering is over and now he can be happy in heaven.
Thanks everyone for all ya'lls support. I couldn't of gotten through this without ya'll. It's still really hard. I don't feel like my dad is dead. The other night Andrew came over and I showed him my dad's guitar and let him play it and I know guitars are for the most part the same but each guitar does have a certain unique sound and when he played, I just closed my eyes and kept waiting to hear my dad's voice start singing. I think that's when it really hit me that my dad is dead and I'll never get to hear his voice, see him, or hug him again. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully accept he's gone till I can delete his number off my phone. I know that sounds weird but I'll sit there and try to delete it but I just can't. I don't know what's to come after this. The other night I was going through my xanga and just about every other entry is about my dad. I was so angry. I had never realized till that moment how much my dad controlled my life. I've been in so much pain cause of him. Don't get me wrong. I love my dad and I will miss him. But I feel like now, I can live my life. I've never been able to do that. Dad has always been in the back of my mind, thinking of things he's said to me, called me, made me feel, or whether he was going to be okay. I've never been fully happy cause of him. A huge part of me is missing that he took with him. I don't know what to think about anymore kind of. I don't have to think about him so what else is there now? He's always been my priority and taking care of him. That's gone. He's gone. I'm going to have to rebuild my heart and mind in a new way where he's still in it but not in control of it. That's going to be hard to do. I know I can do it but it's still hard. I guess it just will all take time.
Last night I spent the night at Joey's and we had a long talk about my dad and how life will be different and stuff. I guess it stuck in my head cause last night I had a dream of my dad dieing all over again. Except I was watching him die in front of me. And I couldn't stop it and I was screaming and crying. I woke up breathing really hard and sweating and nearly in tears. It felt so real. It was terrifying.
I've never been so stressed before in my life though. I'm stretched so thin I feel like I'm going to snap at any second. I've always been stressed but that was only dealing with my dad. I have so much school stuff that I have to make up, things I have to do for my dad's estate, and now my family is fighting about me. I just want to scream. If I didn't have my friends to keep me sane then I would lose my mind. I've started going to see a psychologist. I don't really mind talking to her. I mean I can't be totally open. I'm a private person, I don't just lay my life out there. But I can open up to her some. She asked if I was going to fall into depression. I sat there and thought about it some and I said no. I think that's what my mom is scared of. She's so afraid I'm going to curl up in a ball and die. She has no faith in me. I've been there before. I've wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. And I swore to myself I would never return to that. I'm stronger than that. I can pull through this and I will. I'm going to have to deal with this and cope with it in my own way, but that's just it - I will cope with it. I won't try to ignore it and end up letting it kill my soul. My mom just needs to realize that.
Okay this was really long so I guess I'm going to go. I can't wait for winter break in a week. I need it sooo badly. Thanks again to everyone for all your love and support and I appreciate ya'll keeping my family in your prayers. Love love love <3
I love this picture. It's me and my dad when I was like 9 and we went camping in the mountains. It reminds me of all the good memories we had of camping. I'll never forget em.
I'm going to put up some of the pictures from Thanksgiving and these past few weeks too. Not all of them cause that would take forever but whatever.
Me and my cousins Morgan and Rylea at my Grandma's.
I bet none of ya'll have ever seen a fried turkey. haha Southern thing.
Yummy southern cooking 
Trey - my brother, Kristina - sister in law, Kinsley - sis, Mom, me, and Kailly - sis
lol My sister Kailly, me, and Kristina goofing off in my Grandma's super old pool that we use to play in when we were little.
Me when Kristina and I got lost in a pecan field at night and ended up on the side of the road like a mile from my Grandma's lol
Me, Morgan, Kristina, and Rylea in our lil train of playing with each other's hair lol
Morgan's beautiful creation on my head lol
Me and my cousins make sweet faces in the mirror. lol
hahaha some rap I found on the bathroom stall door at a rest stop.
Me and Ariel before we left to go to the movies to Harry Potter 4
yea, you know you wish you were as cool as us.
lol Kristina and Trey in the movie theater
haha Me and Ariel in the theater -- I look evil
Us in the ride home. haha my gum looks so bright
AHH SHE'S GUNNA EAT ME! 
lol my puppy Cali chewing on her bone
Our fireplace decorated with Kinsley's hand lol
lol me in the santa hat after we had finished decorating
Our christmas tree all lit up and decorated
lol me and Kailly with ear candles in.. let me explain that real quick - ear candles are candles you stick in your ear, light em on fire, let em burn down to within about 4 inches of your head and it sucks out all the nasty ear wax that's stuck way down deep in your ear. haha totally weird but it's cool lol
Kinsley, Kristina, Kailly, and me with the ear candles lol
hahaha trey and Kristina with their ear candles in. They're so goofy lol
K that's enough pictures. This is really long. Toodles <3 | 
K thanks.
